Family – Page 8 – Terry Family Shenanigans

Sharing The News

Telling his parents weighed the most on him. The night after he talked to Sherrie for the first time he went over to talk to his parents. Rhonda was having a rough day health wise so he decided to wait. He went over for the next several days in a row to tell them but Rhonda seemed to be getting worse. She ended up being checked into the hospital and we found out she had lymphoma. Ryan wanted to share the news but didn’t want to stress his mom out more. He knew she would be emotional about it and was worried about the stress it would cause her. She ended up being in the hospital for over a week. One of the evenings he spent in the hospital with her they had a talk that ended up leading towards Ryan finding his birth mom at some point. Ryan didn’t tell her then because he didn’t want to tell her while she was in the hospital but he was able to talk with her and let he know that some day he wanted to meet her. He felt it was a blessing to prep her a little before he told her when she felt good enough. A few days after Rhonda got home from the hospital Ryan and I walked over to see his parents and Ross was there. Rhonda was having a good night and Ryan decided to tell them. Ryan said he thought it went as well as he expected it would. I think it went a lot better than I expected it too. Ryan did an amazing job of sharing his story with them about why he finally decided to find his birth mom and how he found her. Roger was very receptive and seemed happy for Ryan. Rhonda was sad and made a few comments about Ryan leaving her. Ryan assured her she was his mom forever and that would never change and he never wanted it to change. Over the past several weeks since he talked to his parents he has talked with them several more times about his experiences. At some point Ryan hopes that his mom and dad will be able to meet Sherrie. Rhonda wants to wait until she is better and everyone understands that. He is looking forward to their meeting and thinks they will be great friends. Sherrie has told Ryan many times that Rhonda is her hero. She has thought of her as that from the day Ryan was born and she is so happy that she is such an amazing mom to Ryan. Thinking of her taking care of Ryan over the years and loving him brought her a lot of peace.

Ryan has spent a lot of time thinking and processing his thoughts and how others might feel or react. I have been touched by his concern for others while he has been navigating all the emotions he didn’t expect at the same time. He has been open and honest with everyone and has wanted to help his family understand he loves them and finding his biological family doesn’t and won’t change any of that. He has no doubt that Heavenly Father was guiding and helping him get to the family he was supposed to be with and everything worked out the way it was supposed to. There have been many things that have happened through this whole process that have shown him that God is still watching out for him and his family and guiding him to find people and tell them at the right times. I have seen a lot of spiritual and emotional growth in him the past few months.

Shortly after Ryan and Sherrie spoke on the phone for the first time, her husband Dave sent Ryan an email. The first week after finding Sherrie Ryan was extremely emotional and had a lot of mixed feelings about things. He found Dave’s email very comforting and was appreciative of him sending it to him. It helped him know a little more about who Sherrie and he were.

Dear Ryan:

I just wanted to say thank you for your courage and boldness in reaching out to Sherrie. This was the secret desire of her heart to know that she could know that you were safe and happy, and getting to hear from you and meet you is wonderful.

I thought I’d just share a few things with you concerning Sherrie.

She is a fiercely devoted mother and Grandmother. Her children and grandchildren are constantly calling her. The grandchildren are always asking “Meme are you going to be at my…(birthday party, school lunch, sacrament meeting, tomorrow…)?” It is really delightful the way they seek her out.

We live in a somewhat economically depressed area of Arkansas in Yell County. The county covers 927 square miles. In 1992 we were formed as a Branch and started with a regular attendance of about 18 people. There have been times when our attendance was only 11. That said, we are still a very small Branch, and as you can imagine, the few active members have always had multiple callings and assignments. Throughout the years, Sherrie has held every possible calling and has been enthusiastic in serving in whatever calling she had. In our Branch we have seen a lot of people join the Church, embrace the Gospel, improve financially, then move on to better opportunity. We have birds that regularly build nests on our windows. They build, raise their babies, then fly off. We often feel that’s the way our Branch operates.

in July 1998, Eric, our middle son, was diagnosed with cancer. On April 7, 2000, just 3 days before Sherrie’s Birthday, Eric (10 years old) passed away in Cardinal Glennon Hospital in St. Louis. We buried him on April 11, 2000, the day after Sherrie’s birthday. That was a very difficult event for our entire family, but especially for Sherrie. However, we know that families are eternal, and we will be with Eric again.

Sherrie and I met in August 1979, and were married January 18, 1990. She was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I was not. Shortly after we met, she told me that she had a child and had delivered the child for adoption. I know that it hurt her tremendously, but we couldn’t discuss it. I know that it was always her desire to be assured that you were safe, that you would have grown up strong with Faith in Christ. However, she knew that she couldn’t seek you out and threaten the family and your mother by just popping up. So she silently hoped the best for you in her heart.

Imagine the joy that you have brought her by reaching out. Imagine her joy in knowing you have a strong family, and you have a wife and children of your own. By your reaching out to Sherrie has freed her to be able to openly and honestly discuss this with her children, parents, brothers and sisters.

I want you to know that this is a great blessing you have given us by reaching out to Sherrie.

Thank you.

May Heavenly Father Bless your Mother and Father, your sisters and brothers, your wife and your children. May your children’s children remember your gift and blessing.

Respectfully, and Sincerely

David E. Torgerson

The day Sherrie found out about Ryan, she immediately wanted to tell her kids. She told Giselle and Austin together at Giselle’s house. After she told them Sherrie called David and said she had something she needed to talk to all of them about and they were all coming over to his house that evening. When David hung up the phone, he told his wife he had something to tell her. He said he had an older brother that his mom gave up for adoption before he was born. He said his mom was coming over and he knew it was about his brother. She either found him, or found out that he wasn’t alive. While David was waiting for his mom he then got to explain to his wife of 17+ years of marriage why this was the first time she was hearing anything about an older brother that had been given up for adoption.

Sherrie and Dave’s oldest son is named David too. He first learned about Ryan on his mission when he wrote her a letter and said he wanted to know, not if, but who his older brother was because he knew he had one. Sherrie told him about Ryan through letters. She didn’t know anything other than he was a boy so other than her experience she didn’t have much to share. When David was talking with his mission president at his exit interview from his mission he told his president about Ryan and that he was planning on going to find him and meet him. His mission president told him that while he understood his desire, he didn’t think it was best for him to find Ryan. He told him Ryan had his own life and they didn’t know anything about it and it wasn’t fair to disrupt it. Ryan might not even know he was adopted. David decided to not try and find his brother at that time. When Sherrie called David the day she found out about Ryan and said she wanted to come over and talk with him and his family, David said he immediately knew it was something about Ryan. He knew Sherrie had found him and he was reaching out to her or she found out he had passed away. Once Sherrie confirmed that Ryan had reached out to her and wanted to connect with her and her family, David immediately texted Ryan and said he had been hoping to meet him for years and was looking forward to getting to know him.

Giselle and Austin had no idea about Ryan. The first they heard was the day Ryan contacted Sherrie. It was a shock to them but they seemed to take it in stride.

Austin said hi over text but there wasn’t much more communication until they met in person a few months later. Being 25 and not married his perspective of the situation was a little different then everyone else. It might be a while before he realizes and processes all the baggage that goes with this. They have a similar sense of humor and many interests that are the same. I think they will have a comfortable relationship in the future.

Giselle went through shock and acceptance of having a ‘lost brother’ pretty quick and reached out to Ryan and zoomed with him pretty quickly. Shortly after they talked she had a lot of emotions set it and has been a little overwhelmed sorting through them. She is excited to meet and get to know Ryan but feels a sense of loss at the same time. She told him she missed him after they talked and was sad that she had missed out on his life even though she didn’t know about him. She had the most trepidation in meeting Ryan. Sherrie and David have a son named Eric that passed away when he was ten years old from cancer. Eric was a few years older than Giselle and Austin. I think a lot of the feelings of losing her brother Eric have resurfaced since finding Ryan. Everyone agrees that Ryan looks the most like Eric and it would be strange to have a brother that entered your life years later that looked so much like a brother you had lost. It is a lot to process. I think they will be able to have a good relationship at some point but it will take a little time.

Genevieve, like David, somehow new that she had an older brother besides David when she was younger. When she was 13 she cornered her mom and said she wanted to know about him. She never knew if she would meet him but she hoped someday it might happen. When Sherrie told her about Ryan she asked where he was and immediately wanted to meet him. Several weeks later it worked out that she came to visit our house with Sherrie and was able to meet Ryan. She is a sweet person and seemed to immediately be ready to have Ryan in her life.

Ryan had been talking with Ross and keeping him updated on the search and finally finding Sherrie. He was excited for Ryan but also had a little worry for a minute when he found out because of the possibility of change. He was at Rhonda’s house when Ryan told his parents and helped her understand that finding his birth mom didn’t mean she was losing or even changing the relationship Ryan had with his family. I was glad he was there, Ryan told me later that he was glad he was there too.

We waited to tell our kids until after Ryan had talked to his parents. We didn’t want any chance of one of them letting it slip before Ryan could talk to them first. We were unsure how they would react and nervous about telling them. Our concern was unfounded though. They new Ryan was adopted and seemed to take it completely in stride when we told them that he had found his birth mom. Emilee in particular was tickled pink that she would have even more cousins to play with. Allison told us that she wasn’t going to call Sherrie grandma because she had two grandma’s already but didn’t seem opposed to someday possibly meeting her. Matthew was a typical 14 year old teenager and said. “Ok, can I go back to playing basketball.” It was a relief to know (other than Allison stating her loyalty, which we told her was just fine and her grandma’s would appreciate her devotion) they didn’t seem to be rocked or concerned when we told them. Kids are pretty great at accepting and embracing changes.

When Ryan found out about Sherrie and contacted her it was a crazy overwhelming experience. He was able share it with a lot of his family and close friends over the next several weeks. I am writing this to help him remember the experience and feelings he had. He recorded some on his own as well. Some people have said what amazing coincidences have happened over the years but we know it isn’t coincidences. This whole experience has been and continues to have amazing little miracles happen that confirm to us that Heavenly Father is so aware of each of us. It has left Ryan without a doubt that his mom and dad were meant to be his parents and the way he got to them wasn’t the conventional way but Heavenly Father guided everyone to help not just Ryan but Sherrie, Roger, Rhonda, and their families. It is a pretty amazing story.

I am so grateful for the family and friends that have shared the excitement, concern, and dozens of other emotions that have taken turns at the front of the line the past few months. Kenny spent hours and hours finding the right person that linked Ryan to Sherrie. Ryan followed the prompting to reach out to Perry who facilitated and prepared Sherrie to find Ryan. My family, Ryan’s family, Sherrie’s family, and our amazing friends the Dunn’s, Johnson, Sam, the McDonald’s and a lot more have been nothing but supportive of Ryan as he has started navigating through all of this. It is pretty incredible how everything has turned out.

Bixby, Oklahoma

Matthew had a baseball tournament in Oklahoma a few weeks ago. It was actually for the sister team he plays with but they needed a few extra players so Matthew went. Long story short they ended up changing the rules for the tournament in the middle of one of our games-totally ridiculous I know- and our coaches decided that we were going to withdraw instead of let them just change things to make a point. So the tournament was a bust, but we had fun going to other games and were able to get back home earlier for Mother’s Day. Matthew’s main team has several siblings that Emilee plays with, there weren’t any that came on this team so she did a good job being a trooper even though she was bored most of the time. Allison stayed home with Grandma and Grandpa Terry instead of coming for the weekend. We are really glad that they live here. We all needed a break from each other and she loves spending time at their house.

Emilee’s I’m not having fun but fake it till you make it smile.

Ryan’s Phone

My pictures from my phone automatically download to my computer and I can add them to wherever I want them. Ryan’s pictures stay on his phone and are never seen again, so I occasionally try to look through his pictures and get the ones from him that I want to make it into the memory books. Its been a while but I found a few cute random pictures yesterday.

These next few are from our Colorado vacation with my family a few years ago.

This is from this past Christmas. Ross photo bombed us. We were going for attempt #2 but I like the first attempt better.

This last picture is one I took of the two ducks that are at the barn Emilee does her horse lessons. They make us happy. They have their own stall and during the day they wander around and entertain themselves. They like to play tag with people. They will be the chaser or the chasey.

The barn ducks at Emilee’s horse riding lessons.

Fascinating Little Buggers

This is the crabs in their new home. I think it is not to shabby. Jeffrey, Crab Cakes, and Georgia are pretty lucky crabs. We have the humidity and temperature where they like it and they seem to be pretty happy and active. They explore, swim, climb, sleep, eat, and dig in the sand. We think one of them is in the molting process because she has tunneled deep into the sand and we haven’t seen her for a few days. We watched another one switch shells. Crabs outside of their shell or pretty creepy looking. It is like alien creepy. We often find ourselves just watching the crabs crawl around. I would never have expected them to be so interesting. I would even say they are a little cute…when they have a shell on their back.

Gulf Shores Alabama 2021

The kids had spring break in March like usual this year but we decided to postpone a bit and went to Gulf Shores in Alabama in April instead. We originally invited Grandma and Grandpa Terry to go with us and Ross and Lauren and their family. Grandma and Grandpa decided they didn’t want to go in case Grandma wasn’t feeling good. She had her second chemo treatment the day before we left. So it was the Terry cousins and us. We left a Friday after school and drove the first 4 1/2 hours then stayed the night at a hotel. Driving wasn’t bad at all. The kids and adults swapped around between the two cars so we seemed to have more peaceful traveling. When we headed out the next morning we had about 10 hours left to drive. We stopped at Mammoth Springs and walked around the lake and saw the waterfall. Uncle Ross stood on one side of the bridge and dropped a leaf and then hurried to the other side to watch it fall down the waterfall. The kids thought is was great fun and spent the next 15 minutes tossing sticks and leaves and watching them go over the falls. They would all yell in excitement every time. It was hilarious. They would have done it a lot longer but we dragged them away to get back on the road. We saw a muskrat or beaver (there was a debate we settled by letting everyone call it what they wanted since there was no clear view of its tail). We also saw lots of pretty birds, including two that were right on the trail and were not interested in moving out of the way at all.

After that, we stopped to eat and pee until we arrived at Gulf Shores. We grabbed some groceries. Shopping with six kids is always a treat. We had enough sugary cold cereals to last the week plus the next month. When we got to our condo it was about 8 pm so it was already dark, we moved in and got settled and enjoyed the view of the ocean from the patio. It was a nice little spot for us. Each couple had a room, the boys shared a room and the girls shared a room. The weather looked like it would be a little dicey but Sunday-Wednesday afternoon was pretty gorgeous weather. Our condo opened right to the beach. If the weather was sunny that’s where the kids wanted to be. Gulf Shores has a little bigger waves then Florida beaches we have gone too. We brought boogie boards and that was one of the favorite pass times at the beach. We spent all the sunny days building sand castles, playing catch, body surfing, shell and crab hunting, swimming, sunbathing, flying kites, reading, napping, playing bocce ball, all the fun beach things you can think of. If the sun got to be to much the kids would walk into the pool at the hotel and swim in fresh water for a bit then come back to the beach. Lauren and Leah and I decided to walk to the pier that was ‘just down the beach’ one of the days. It was a much longer walk then we thought. Uncle Ross ran it the next day with his watch to tell how far it was and it was a 2 1/4 miles to the pier. We did a 4 1/2 mile walk in the sand that we thought was maybe a mile. We were all a little sore and chaffed the next day.

I think it was Tuesday we took a break from the sun and went to explore one of the Forts nearby. Ross and Ryan went golfing after that and Lauren and I took the kids on a Ferry to Dauphin Island. We ate lunch and went to the aquarium on the Island then road the Ferry back home.

In the evenings we played games and watched movies. Sometimes the kids went down to the beach after dark to see if they could find crabs. Wednesday was back to the beach but the nice weather only lasted until about noon. Then it started to rain. We ended up going mini golfing and stopping by an ice cream shop. Thursday was a rainy day. We went to the souvenir shop and hung out at the condo. My kids ended up pooling their money and getting hermit crabs for their souvenirs. Matthew agreed to supply most of the funding on the condition he got to keep them in his room but the girls could take care of them. We added Jeffrey, Georgia, and Crab Cakes to our family. Once we got home we did a little research on how to take care of them. We turned our old aquarium into a new house for them with sand and a pool and a little forest and hut for them. They seem to love it. At least more then the plastic cage with a few rocks in it they were living in when we got them. We also discovered in our research that crabs can live up to thirty years in the wild. We told the kids that they could plan on taking them with them when they got married.

Friday was time to head back home. We swapped around a lot on the way home. The weather was rainy most of the time and we drove it in one stretch. It was a little before one in the morning when we got home. Ryan and I decided we are to old to drive at night anymore. Neither one of us can see very well and we like to sleep instead of stay awake. We were chugging soda, eating snacks and pinching each other to stay awake. The last hour and a half was pretty painful. We really debated stopping and getting a hotel an hour away from home. We made it though. It was nice to have the rest of the weekend before jumping back into school and work.

It was an awesome vacation. The kids were all feeling a little cabin fever and liked getting out of the house and going somewhere. I am glad we got to make some memories and have a good week together.

Reaching Out

When Kenny found the link to the Turnbull’s he woke up his wife and showed her the obituary and contacted Ryan. As the three of them were talking Sherri noticed another name in the same obituary that she recognized, Bill Bertelson. She remembered knowing someone by that name from a family that she knew when she lived in South Dakota with my parents. She remembers thinking it wasn’t a very common name but it was probably a coincidence.

Once they had Vanitta’s name they started trying to find more information about her. They assumed she was likely Ryan’s mom but they didn’t know for sure. One of the ways they looked her up was on Facebook. Since they weren’t friends with her, only her public pictures were available to see. They looked through several available pictures and tried to glean any information they could. As they were looking through the pictures, Sherri saw a picture of Vanitta with her brother Bill Bertelson. She pointed it out to Ryan and they were both shocked. Ryan and her both recognized the Bill in the picture with Vanitta. It was the same Bill they had met together nineteen years earlier.

Christmas 2002. Ryan and Janae were married in May 2002. At the time her parents and other three siblings lived in Rock Springs, Wyoming. Later that year her dad was transferred with his job and the family planned to move to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. With the timing of the move they arrived in South Dakota the week of Christmas. They couldn’t move into the house until shortly after the New Year so they planned to stay in a hotel until then. Ryan and Janae decided to come up and join them and they had a hotel Christmas in Sioux Falls South Dakota their first Christmas together with Janae’s family. A day or so before Christmas was Sunday and the family attended the new church they would be going to and met some new friends. One of the families that introduced themselves to Janae’s parents was the Bertelson family. Bill and his wife Barbara. When they heard they were staying in a hotel over Christmas they invited us to join their family for a Christmas breakfast. They were a very kind and thoughtful family. My parents got to know them well and became good friends. Whenever Ryan and Janae went up to visit her family they would always come and say hi at church and ask how they were doing.

Along with discovering Vanitta and her brother Bill, the three of them were able to figure out that Vanitta was about 85 years old which would have made her in her mid forties when Ryan was born. They also pieced together that she had several children that would be older than Ryan and one that would be younger. At this point their best guess was Ryan was most likely conceived from an affair or maybe rape then given up for adoption. After talking and speculating and living on a wave of excitment from finding a strong lead, the three of them decided to call it a night and pick up the search in the morning. A few short hours later Janae woke up at 7am on Friday morning not knowing any of the exciting news from the night before. When Ryan filled her in on everything they had discovered she told him he would never live down not waking her up when he found out. Then they called Kenny and Sherri and picked up were they left off the night before and started making a plan to figure out who to contact. Through Facebook stalking they were able to figure out a few more of Vanitta’s family members. Kenny, Sherri and Janae were pushing for Ryan to call or email Bill. They thought that would be the easiest link. He probably wouldn’t remember Ryan but he would know Janae’s parents. Ryan didn’t want to contact Vanitta directly, but instead of Bill he kept coming back to a guy named Perry Turnbull that we thought was Vanitta’s son. Ryan said he felt like that was the right person to contact, he looked like a good guy and maybe even a Bishop in our church. Within 5 minutes Kenny has Perry’s email and phone number and found out he actually was a Branch President of a Young Single Adult Ward. Ryan decided that is who he would contact. At 9am he sent a Facebook Message and an email to Perry with the following message:

Perry, I don’t believe we’ve ever met, my name is Ryan Terry. This is probably going to sound strange so I’ll jump right into it. I was born in 1979 and was adopted via LDS family services, but I think we might be related! A few months ago I got a 23andme DNA test, mostly to check for health concerns as I have no family history, but also out of curiosity of my biological lineage. Literally the only piece of information I have about my biological parents is on adoptive court papers that had my surname of Turnbull before legally changing my name to Ryan Terry when I was a few months old. In 23andme I have only a few 2nd and 3rd cousins, and did not see any Turnbull surnames. Until last night. I was looking at the Keele family line, which DNA says I have relations to, and found through Ancestry.com and Family Search where the Turnbull name actually popped up – with Vanitta. Through some light Facebook investigation, it looks like that is your mother or you are related to her in some way.

Anyway, maybe this is super weird, but I think we may be closely related and I thought you could maybe help me connect some dots. I considered reaching out directly to Vanitta, but figured she may not be super Facebook savvy and not even know I sent a message. Or maybe it would be a shock to her if I directly contacted her. So since you seem to be active on Facebook and connected to her I wondered if you could help me. I sent you a message in Facebook Messenger too but I often forget to check those messages, so thought I’d send you an email.

Putting myself in your shoes, I can see this might be really weird and out of the blue. But now my curiosity is peeked! I would love to connect some dots and perhaps express gratitude to my biological mother for following what I believe to be a divine plan. I have always felt like I was meant to be with my adoptive parents and am happy for eternal families.

Sorry for the long, random, rambling message! Would love to chat with you if you get the message and would like to talk.

Ryan

Ryan had sent several emails to other possible relatives at this point but had never heard back from any of them. This time felt different but no one knew what to expect. At some point that morning while they were all looking at pictures and trying to piece connections together someone said that maybe Vanitta was not his mom but his grandma. That seemed to fit time lines a little better. They were able to find a picture of one of her daughters that they thought was a possibility but they just didn’t know and wouldn’t know unless Perry contacted Ryan back. All four of them tried to go about their day and impatiently waited to hear something back.

Ryan had several scheduled meetings that day at noon, two and four. He left shortly after sending the email and went to his first meeting at noon. At 12:15 his phone rang and caller ID said Perry Turnbull across the top of his phone. He new it probably wouldn’t be a short conversation and was already in his meeting with a client so he sent it to voicemail then tried but utterly failed to focus on the next 45 minutes of his meeting.

Perry left a message. At 1pm Ryan walked out to his car to listen to the voicemail.

Transcription of Perry’s Message:

Hi Ryan, my name is Perry Turnbull and you sent me an email and a Facebook message today regarding your heritage and thanks so much for that message that was very thoughtfully written and sincere and um I believe Ryan, there is a very high likely hood that there is a direct connection between you and my sister and I would just love to talk to you about that and to fill you in with as much as I know and connect the dots as much as I am able. SO feel free to give me a call back at … and I will also respond to your email as well with some personal contact information and look for ward to chatting with you. Hope you have a great day and thanks for reaching out, take care. Bye.

Ryan was obviously emotional when he heard Perry’s message. He had just found out who is biological mother was! He had one hour until his next meeting but he new he couldn’t wait until the end of the day to call him back so he decided to call on his drive to his next meeting. He hit send and called Perry Turnbull back.

The Results

Once the sample had been sent in there wasn’t much to do but wait. Other then the surname of Turnbull and being born in Monett Missouri we didn’t really know any other information.

Kenny tried to hold true to his finding Ryan’s birth mom in 30 minutes. He had one or two people he thought were good possibilities but without the DNA he wasn’t willing to say anything with much commitment. Several weeks later after much anticipation, Ryan finally got the results. His health information came back pretty good. The things they were able to test and look for came back with no big red flags. It was nice for Ryan to have some peace of mind about some general health information. Learning more about his biology made Ryan realize his curiosity was definitely piqued and he wanted to know more about the ancestry side of his DNA. However, when he looked at those results there wasn’t much to see.

Kenny’s words.

Sitting on the couch at Ryan’s house while the girls were out shopping we somehow got on the topic of DNA/his biological mother. Ryan mentioned that he had looked on classmates.com at yearbooks torying to find a picture of her in Monett. Considering myself an amateur sleuth of sorts I offered my help and said I could probably find her in 30 minutes. Little did I know the task ahead of me. After researching for 2 weeks I thought I had found her (based on what we thought we knew). We decided to wait for 23&me DNA results to confirm, deny or shed any light on the subject. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were out to dinner with friends at Longhorn steakhouse when Ryan texted me with a picture of his closest DNA relatives. I looked at the list in disbelief! His CLOSEST match was 2%! I will never never forget Ryan’s next text to me. He simply wrote ‘work your magic’.

The lack of information available almost made the task of finding his birth mom more intriguing . Kenny and Ryan spent a lot of their free time looking and trying to find links to possible relatives. Ryan sent a few emails to relatives 23&Me said he was related to but never heard anything back. They both continued to talk and look into things together but Kenny made it a personal mission to figure this mystery out.

Too be completely honest I felt like I’d need some real magic to get anywhere. My next move was distinct, I looked at the list of relatives and prayed. I prayed that I would be able to know how to connect the dots. After the prayer I turned to google. I decided that if I could find one of these individuals family history pedigree charts I would have a better chance of finding either of Ryan’s biological parents. The first name was just initials so I moved to the second one immediately. The name was Reba Keele and it said she was from Utah. Turns our she is a professor of sorts and an author. One of the first pages I found on her actually listed her family info including parents names. With this info in hand I turned to family search. Knowing that only deceased ancestors appear on family search I put her parents names in. I got an immediate hit! Turns our the Keele family are LDS pioneers and have kept great records!! 23&Me had said that Ryan was a second cousin to the first 2 matches. I had an immediate sense of relief thinking I would close this case in a day!!!!!!! My excitement soon faded as I saw the number of relatives in this line. It seemed like every marriage had 10 kids! I hunted through this info everyday! Some nights I found myself unable to sleep or waking up with a new idea on where to look at 3am. I had searched all the second cousins!!!! No matches that fit.

Kenny spent weeks and hours of his time doing research for Ryan. The four of us would often talk together and there were several theory’s starting to form in our minds as we continued to run into dead ends. The biggest frustration was that we could not find the link in any of his known relatives to the Turnbull line. Kenny had looked through hundreds maybe even thousands of names and the Turnbull name never appeared. Was it a misdirection or a flat out lie? Maybe it was a single child of a single child and the line died out? Maybe Monett was not the right place…where would we even start to look if it wasn’t though? We were almost out of possibilities. Kenny suggested that Ryan get his DNA tested through ancestry.com because they had a bigger database to search. Ryan requested the kit and Kenny kept looking.

This continued for weeks. I decided to once again pray for direction as it seemed like I had lost traction. Shortly after the prayer I stumbled on an article discussing family DNA and how the DNA match percentages add up. It mentioned that at 2% someone might be a much more distant relative to these people then 23&Me indicated. I returned to family search with a renewed determination and decided to read all of the obituaries of the most recently deceased ancestors of Ryan to see if I could find any matching info (we had a last name and an approximate location). I started reading obituaries about 7:30pm. At 1:30am I was exhausted, I had read so many obituaries they were all blending together. I was reaching the end and had no new info. Just as I was about to call it a night I read one last obituary for Winifred Olsen. In the text it listed all of her children. The name hit me like a ton of bricks. Vanitta Turnbull of Arkansas! The location was close enough and the last name was a match!!! I couldn’t believe what I was reading! Had I really just found them??! My eyes began to swell with tears as I knew in my heart I had found Ryan’s biological family! The fact that is was 1:30 am was so irrelevant given the exciting news I decided I had to call Ryan. I texted him first and to my shock he responded back immediately letting me know he was still winding down from a basketball game he played earlier or he would have been asleep. I texted him the following in all caps “I FOUND YOUR MOM!” He immediately called me in disbelief but the more we talked it became more and more real. This was her! I hadn’t been able to sleep for 2 months! I found my head constantly running through new scenarios of where to look but now it was done! As I slept that night I found myself in a very emotional state. I could only imagine what Ryan was going through but even being involved on just the search side had given me a little glimpse of it. The next day brought MANY phone calls between Ryan and my myself. Who do you call to reach out too? Which family member? The events that have transpired from all of this are nothing short of wonderful!

Ryan and Janae have talked several times since then about how without Kenny’s help and sleuthing skills and the dozens and dozens of hours he spent researching we may never have found the link we needed to lead us to his biological family. As they have shared this story with others many have commented on what an amazing true friend and brother Kenny is to dedicate so much of his time and energy to helping Ryan. He is the hero in this story. Ryan and Janae couldn’t agree more.

Easter

We had a wonderful Easter and General Conference weekend. We tried to keep the weekend clear from any extra curricular activities, and it worked! It seems like October General Conference is always harder to do that, but sometimes we don’t get our wish in April either. I am glad it was successful this year.

Conference was really good. The kids didn’t listen with rapture or anything but they stayed within hearing range without any complaining. With any luck hopefully a few things soaked into their heads.

Our cousins and Grandpa came over after the first session on Sunday. Grandma was going to try but she was having a rough day so she didn’t come. Ryan couldn’t decide what to smoke- ham with traditional cheesy potatoes, rolls, and salad. Or pulled pork tacos with fresh slaw and strawberries. So he did both. We had a lot of yummy food, and my favorite, we have a lot of yummy leftovers so I don’t have to cook the next day or two.

We watched the last conference session after we ate then Ross and Ryan went over to see their mom and played a game at her house while the rest of us hung out at our house. The weather was a beautiful 75 degrees. The kids wanted to get out the slip-n-slide. I was a mean mom and nixed their idea though.

The Easter Bunny was slacking this year and fell asleep early before getting the job done. Luckily Emilee came in to our room and woke us up first so I could go get the Easter Bunny on the job without her noticing.

It was a great Easter weekend. I enjoyed remembering and celebrating Easter. I am grateful for my Savior, His sacrifice, and His resurrection.

March Madness

This post has nothing to do with basketball. The title is just referring to our regular lives and happenings.

Allison has wanted to have colored hair for a while so we finally got around to it. She loves it and the attention she gets with it.

We caught Grandpa surfing his phone…I mean taking a nap while he thought he was surfing his phone.

Ryan and I booked our 20th anniversary cruise for next May 2022. We are pretty excited! We decided on our 10th anniversary this is what we wanted to do. It is going to be awesome!

I was out of town and Ryan had the pleasure of taking the kids to church on his own. Whenever this happens he makes a point of getting the kids there 20 minutes early and rubbing it in my face because we usually screech in right on time. He did it again this time, but stepped up his game by having the Bishop send me the picture of my smiling family arriving to church 20 minutes early, instead of him. I think he is implying that I am the reason everyone is late but that is a bunch of garbage. He also sent me a picture of Emilee and her decision of what to wear to church that day. The girl rocks her own style.

I met Ryan at a parking lot the other day and noticed a new addition to his car. This is his required license plate cover for the next month or so. He forgot to mention it to me, but like I said, I noticed, and have made sure it is now documented. What a good sport he is! I will also note that it had recently snowed and there was still snow on the roads so that is the reason for the atrociously egregious filthy condition of his beloved car. Under usual conditions it is spotless.

Another first for our family. Matthew went into have some tests done to check out his growth hormone levels. He had to get an IV that he was trying to play cool for but he was pretty nervous. When he was six and had to have some blood drawn it took me (7 months pregnant with Allison) and two male nurses to hold him still enough for the third nurse to draw the blood. His self control and braveness have improved a lot in the past 8 years as you might expect. He handled it like a champ.

I saw this little meme somewhere on my phone the other day and screen shot it because it is true and a good reminder.

Allison and dad got their garden started. They planted a salad/salsa garden. There will be lots of peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cucumbers, and pea plant just for me.

Rhonda

The Straw

About a week and a half ago Ryan went over and to see his parents. Rhonda was not making a lot of sense and said she didn’t feel well. Everyone came over for dinner to our house on the next day and she was still acting a little weird. Both Roger and Rhonda kind of blew it off and said she would be ok. The next day we texted them and they said she was better. Tuesday night after we had dinner Ryan said he wanted to go and check on her in person so we went over to say hello. She was not doing better. Roger was flustered because he had just found out she had taken her morning pills for morning and night for the past several days and had not taken any of her night pills. He kept asking her why and what she did and she was caught in the same loop of a thirty second story that ended with her staring at the pills in her hand and trying to count them. Roger thought if she took the pills everything would be fine. Rhonda thought she had taken the pills. Ryan was trying to explain that the pills had nothing to do with it, she had been loopy long before the pill mix up and she needed to go to the hospital because he thought she was having a stroke. It got a little awkward especially when Ryan said either we take her to the hospital or call an ambulance to come get her. They kind of threw up their hands and said fine they would go.

Week One.

She ended up spending a week in the hospital. She was not having a stroke. That was a relief to know. She would have likely gone into kidney failure and died if she had waited to much longer to go to the hospital. The initial tests showed her calcium levels were way to high and her kidneys weren’t working as great as they should be. She was also severely dehydrated. The first few days were spent trying to balance here mineral levels and rehydrating her with a constant IV. The calcium levels being so high is what was making her not be able to think clearly. They figured out what the problem pretty quickly was but weren’t sure what was causing the problem in the first place.

Several Months Previously

Rhonda noticed that she had a lymph node in her neck that was swollen. She had recently had an ear infection so she thought it was residual from that but after several different antibiotics and several weeks it hadn’t changed much. She went in and had an ultrasound done and they were planning on removing it. When she went into have it removed the ENT said he didn’t think they needed to remove it, they would just continue to monitor it and in the mean time, she should try some coconut herbal toothpaste to see if it helped. (This doctor is now referred to as The Lazy Moron).

Back to the hospital.

After a few days in the hospital Roger and Rhonda mentioned the incident with the swollen lymph node to the doctors. They did an exam and found that she had enlarged lymph nodes in her neck, under her arms, and in her groin. They scheduled a surgery to remove a piece of her lymph node for biopsy. The doctor who did her surgery asked to say a prayer with her before they went in. Roger mentioned that this brought him comfort and he appreciated the doctors genuine concern. Then the waiting for results started. The doctor who did the surgery told them that from his experience and what he saw he thought it was most likely lymphoma but results would need to be verified. Because he thought this, he removed a larger portion so they could do follow up tests they would want to do if it did turn out to be lymphoma. By doing this the doctor moved the treatment process forward at least two weeks. I personally appreciated the doctors efforts and concern but was a little upset that he would throw out the ‘C’ word without an official diagnosis. We all prayed that he was wrong.

Waiting

The results took several days to come back. In the mean time, Rhonda stayed in the hospital and they continued to monitor her mineral levels-specifically calcium and vitamin D, and her kidneys. Another possible diagnosis of sarcoidosis was mentioned. We hoped that this would be the case, her symptoms checked the boxes for sarcoidosis more than lymphoma symptoms and treatment and management seemed more manageable. Results were said to come in on Monday or Tuesday. We had about four more days to wait. Roger stayed at the hospital with Rhonda during the day and then came home to sleep at night. Ryan, Ross and I went to the hospital as often as we could to offer company or give Roger a chance to take a break for a few hours. Roger and Rhonda were both scheduled to get their COVID vaccine on Friday but Rhonda had to cancel her appointment which caused both of them more stress. Roger was able to get his first one though. On Monday I went to spend the afternoon with them. Rhonda was doing pretty good, her mind was clear and she was annoyed at all the poking and prodding and constant interruption from nurses, doctors, physical therapy, cleaners, lab technicians, and having to use the restroom every hour because of all the fluids they were putting in her. She had been there long enough that there was a sense of routine. Roger likes to have a plan and be helpful. He has cared for and helped Rhonda for decades since they have been married. That care has gotten more intense for him the past twenty years as different parts of her health have declined and her body struggles in different ways. It was sweet to watch him brush her hair and rub her head. He knows how to help her move and reposition herself so she is as comfortable as possible.

Results

Roger had an appointment at the same hospital Rhonda was staying and was going to be gone for an hour or so. Rhonda was feeling tired so he helped her use the restroom and got her all tucked in for a nap before he left. I got comfy and started reading a book. About two minutes after she fell asleep they came in a woke her up to take her vitals. She fell back asleep then someone came in to clean her room. Just as she dozed off again the nurse came in and woke her up because she had a phone call and handed the phone to Rhonda. I asked the nurse who it was and she said it was her doctor. Since Rhonda was having some memory issues I went over and listened so I could hear in case she couldn’t remember everything he said. I heard him say, “I’m sorry it isn’t better news. The Oncologist will be there to talk with you in the next few hours.” Then he hung up. Rhonda just looked at me. I asked her what he said. She said, “I have malignant lymphoma.” Just like that the world went silent and crashed in around us. Our lives were changing forever and Rhonda was in a fight for her life. I told her I was so sorry and gave her a hug. She told me she didn’t want to die. I curled up next to her in her bed, held her and we cried together. After a few minutes I sent Roger a text telling him to come back as soon as he could and I texted Ryan. He left work and came to see her. We spent the next 45 minutes crying and talking. She was shocked and overwhelmed. We both were, I didn’t know what to do for her. It was hard being the one to get the news with her but I was so glad she wasn’t alone. I was angry the doctor told her the way he did. What if she had been alone or foggy and didn’t remember. I mostly just held her and we cried together. She wanted to know if she was going to make it another Christmas, how long she had, what to do next. She wanted her purse to give me some money to pass on to Ethan because it was his birthday that day. She wanted me to promise her things I would do for her. Ryan got there not to long after I called him. He came in and joined us on the bed. It wasn’t easy to fit three adults and all her cords and equipment on a single bed so I gave him my spot and moved to a chair and held her hand. Right after that the oncologist came in. Roger wasn’t back yet so we asked her to come back, she said she would in 45 minutes. Roger came back about 5 minutes after she left. He hadn’t seen my text so we told him the news. There wasn’t a lot to talk about. We all just sat there together and waited for the 40 minutes to pass until the oncologist came back. It felt like a week.

The Oncologist

I think we were all silently willing her to come back. Doctors say they will come back in a ‘few minutes’ all the time and its hours or even days. The whole process is enough to drive you insane. She did come back when she said she would to our relief. She said it was Large B Cell Lymphoma. She was ordering some additional tests to be done so they could narrow in on the specific treatment that would be best for her. This type of cancer is considered aggressive but the positive side to that is aggressive cancers respond well to chemotherapy. The negative side is that they have to treat it aggressively. Reading between the lines the biggest obstacle for Rhonda will be handling and surviving the treatment. It will take a lot out of her and her body is already dealing with a lot with all her other health conditions aside from the cancer. Lymphomas are considered curable though and her chances are good. I asked about what stage it is in. Lymphoma is different from other cancers in relation to what the stages mean. In localized cancers the stages refer to the level of cancer. The higher the number the worse the chances of recovery. With Lymphoma, the stage refers to the number of areas the cancer has spread in the body. They know there are two areas for sure (neck and under arms) the tests/scans will show them if its in her abdomen(stage 3) and legs(stage 4). However, chances for success are the same for stage 1 as they are for stage 4 with lymphoma. We didn’t felt like we knew a ton more after we talked with the oncologist but the plans were set in motion to define and start the treatment Rhonda will need.

Now What.

At drastic events in my life I often have a weird feeling of time freezing. The shock forms a little bubble around me and it seems like everything else just stops. Eventually it pops and you are startled that the world still exists and is moving on. When Rhonda got the news and told me I felt like we were in one of those bubbles. When the oncologist finished talking to us and left the room the bubble popped. Everyone is left with a ‘what do we do now’ feeling. It is all a little surreal, emerging from the bubble puts a slightly different hue and feeling to life and what was familiar just hours before is now a little different. Ryan and I wanted to give Roger and Rhonda time to digest and talk about everything. Ethan had a birthday dinner, Roger and Rhonda were not going to come obviously but the rest of us wanted to attend and prolong life the way they new it, before finding out, a little bit longer. Ryan and I were in separate cars so I left to get the kids. He left a few minutes later and met us at the restaurant. I don’t remember the drive or the rest of that night very much. My mind was trying to reconcile the my old and new reality. I also kept thinking I couldn’t fathom how Rhonda was feeling.

Home.

They let Rhonda go home the next day. She was stable but still weak and now had the added emotional and mental burden of knowing her condition. She did want to get home and was happy to sleep in her own bed. She has been given several blessings. Her and Roger spent the next week adjusting and getting the tests done to see what treatment will work best. They had the appointment to find out what the plan was and start it scheduled on a Friday. Right before they left for the appointment they found out it had been rescheduled to Monday. They had been in good spirits and had a positive outlook when I had seen them up to this point. I think rescheduling the appointment was a discouraging blow for them. If it were me, everyday of waiting would feel like one more day of letting the enemy cancer cells in my body entrench themselves even more. Ross and Ryan have been stopping by to visit and help almost everyday.

The New Normal

Roger called Ryan last night and he helped take her to the hospital again. She was really weak and tired and Roger was worried about her. They didn’t admit her but gave her more fluids and checked her mineral levels. Sleep would be best for her, she doesn’t sleep more than an hour or so without getting up to use the restroom. Roger has to help her so this means he doesn’t either. Roger had high blood pressure before all this happened. He admitted that he has some tightness in his chest now too. We are worried about him too. He does a great job caring for Rhonda but that is the only thing he is doing. He needs to find something to give him a break and let out his own stress and frustrations. So far he hasn’t been interested in any of our suggestions but we will try again once they have her treatment started. Ryan and I are glad they are close and can call anytime. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint and it will take lots of support and help from lots of people to get through it.

Our Kids.

The kid knew Grandma had been in the hospital. They all made her cards and sent her pictures but because of COVID they couldn’t go to the hospital to visit her. Rhonda wants them to be around and still see them, she thinks it will help her stamina and emotionally to see and interact with them. Ryan and Ross and I agree. Roger is concerned about COVID and stressed that having grandkids around might cause more stress than good. We are working on a happy solution for everyone. We had a little family meeting this week and told our kids about Grandma and what the doctors found out. Emilee is young enough that she doesn’t quite grasp the gravity of it and seems to be doing ok. Matthew asked some questions and is worried and willing to help anyway he can, he seems to be doing ok also. Allison is a little more concerning to me. She knows what cancer is and that you can die from it. She is really close to Rhonda. She didn’t say much when we told them and hasn’t gone over to see her since. I have tried to talk with her a little but I think the best thing for Allison is to give her some time to digest the news then she will be ready to support her Grandma.

We have a long road ahead of us, I hope that we can all help and do what we need to do.