The Straw
About a week and a half ago Ryan went over and to see his parents. Rhonda was not making a lot of sense and said she didn’t feel well. Everyone came over for dinner to our house on the next day and she was still acting a little weird. Both Roger and Rhonda kind of blew it off and said she would be ok. The next day we texted them and they said she was better. Tuesday night after we had dinner Ryan said he wanted to go and check on her in person so we went over to say hello. She was not doing better. Roger was flustered because he had just found out she had taken her morning pills for morning and night for the past several days and had not taken any of her night pills. He kept asking her why and what she did and she was caught in the same loop of a thirty second story that ended with her staring at the pills in her hand and trying to count them. Roger thought if she took the pills everything would be fine. Rhonda thought she had taken the pills. Ryan was trying to explain that the pills had nothing to do with it, she had been loopy long before the pill mix up and she needed to go to the hospital because he thought she was having a stroke. It got a little awkward especially when Ryan said either we take her to the hospital or call an ambulance to come get her. They kind of threw up their hands and said fine they would go.
Week One.
She ended up spending a week in the hospital. She was not having a stroke. That was a relief to know. She would have likely gone into kidney failure and died if she had waited to much longer to go to the hospital. The initial tests showed her calcium levels were way to high and her kidneys weren’t working as great as they should be. She was also severely dehydrated. The first few days were spent trying to balance here mineral levels and rehydrating her with a constant IV. The calcium levels being so high is what was making her not be able to think clearly. They figured out what the problem pretty quickly was but weren’t sure what was causing the problem in the first place.
Several Months Previously
Rhonda noticed that she had a lymph node in her neck that was swollen. She had recently had an ear infection so she thought it was residual from that but after several different antibiotics and several weeks it hadn’t changed much. She went in and had an ultrasound done and they were planning on removing it. When she went into have it removed the ENT said he didn’t think they needed to remove it, they would just continue to monitor it and in the mean time, she should try some coconut herbal toothpaste to see if it helped. (This doctor is now referred to as The Lazy Moron).
Back to the hospital.
After a few days in the hospital Roger and Rhonda mentioned the incident with the swollen lymph node to the doctors. They did an exam and found that she had enlarged lymph nodes in her neck, under her arms, and in her groin. They scheduled a surgery to remove a piece of her lymph node for biopsy. The doctor who did her surgery asked to say a prayer with her before they went in. Roger mentioned that this brought him comfort and he appreciated the doctors genuine concern. Then the waiting for results started. The doctor who did the surgery told them that from his experience and what he saw he thought it was most likely lymphoma but results would need to be verified. Because he thought this, he removed a larger portion so they could do follow up tests they would want to do if it did turn out to be lymphoma. By doing this the doctor moved the treatment process forward at least two weeks. I personally appreciated the doctors efforts and concern but was a little upset that he would throw out the ‘C’ word without an official diagnosis. We all prayed that he was wrong.
Waiting
The results took several days to come back. In the mean time, Rhonda stayed in the hospital and they continued to monitor her mineral levels-specifically calcium and vitamin D, and her kidneys. Another possible diagnosis of sarcoidosis was mentioned. We hoped that this would be the case, her symptoms checked the boxes for sarcoidosis more than lymphoma symptoms and treatment and management seemed more manageable. Results were said to come in on Monday or Tuesday. We had about four more days to wait. Roger stayed at the hospital with Rhonda during the day and then came home to sleep at night. Ryan, Ross and I went to the hospital as often as we could to offer company or give Roger a chance to take a break for a few hours. Roger and Rhonda were both scheduled to get their COVID vaccine on Friday but Rhonda had to cancel her appointment which caused both of them more stress. Roger was able to get his first one though. On Monday I went to spend the afternoon with them. Rhonda was doing pretty good, her mind was clear and she was annoyed at all the poking and prodding and constant interruption from nurses, doctors, physical therapy, cleaners, lab technicians, and having to use the restroom every hour because of all the fluids they were putting in her. She had been there long enough that there was a sense of routine. Roger likes to have a plan and be helpful. He has cared for and helped Rhonda for decades since they have been married. That care has gotten more intense for him the past twenty years as different parts of her health have declined and her body struggles in different ways. It was sweet to watch him brush her hair and rub her head. He knows how to help her move and reposition herself so she is as comfortable as possible.
Results
Roger had an appointment at the same hospital Rhonda was staying and was going to be gone for an hour or so. Rhonda was feeling tired so he helped her use the restroom and got her all tucked in for a nap before he left. I got comfy and started reading a book. About two minutes after she fell asleep they came in a woke her up to take her vitals. She fell back asleep then someone came in to clean her room. Just as she dozed off again the nurse came in and woke her up because she had a phone call and handed the phone to Rhonda. I asked the nurse who it was and she said it was her doctor. Since Rhonda was having some memory issues I went over and listened so I could hear in case she couldn’t remember everything he said. I heard him say, “I’m sorry it isn’t better news. The Oncologist will be there to talk with you in the next few hours.” Then he hung up. Rhonda just looked at me. I asked her what he said. She said, “I have malignant lymphoma.” Just like that the world went silent and crashed in around us. Our lives were changing forever and Rhonda was in a fight for her life. I told her I was so sorry and gave her a hug. She told me she didn’t want to die. I curled up next to her in her bed, held her and we cried together. After a few minutes I sent Roger a text telling him to come back as soon as he could and I texted Ryan. He left work and came to see her. We spent the next 45 minutes crying and talking. She was shocked and overwhelmed. We both were, I didn’t know what to do for her. It was hard being the one to get the news with her but I was so glad she wasn’t alone. I was angry the doctor told her the way he did. What if she had been alone or foggy and didn’t remember. I mostly just held her and we cried together. She wanted to know if she was going to make it another Christmas, how long she had, what to do next. She wanted her purse to give me some money to pass on to Ethan because it was his birthday that day. She wanted me to promise her things I would do for her. Ryan got there not to long after I called him. He came in and joined us on the bed. It wasn’t easy to fit three adults and all her cords and equipment on a single bed so I gave him my spot and moved to a chair and held her hand. Right after that the oncologist came in. Roger wasn’t back yet so we asked her to come back, she said she would in 45 minutes. Roger came back about 5 minutes after she left. He hadn’t seen my text so we told him the news. There wasn’t a lot to talk about. We all just sat there together and waited for the 40 minutes to pass until the oncologist came back. It felt like a week.
The Oncologist
I think we were all silently willing her to come back. Doctors say they will come back in a ‘few minutes’ all the time and its hours or even days. The whole process is enough to drive you insane. She did come back when she said she would to our relief. She said it was Large B Cell Lymphoma. She was ordering some additional tests to be done so they could narrow in on the specific treatment that would be best for her. This type of cancer is considered aggressive but the positive side to that is aggressive cancers respond well to chemotherapy. The negative side is that they have to treat it aggressively. Reading between the lines the biggest obstacle for Rhonda will be handling and surviving the treatment. It will take a lot out of her and her body is already dealing with a lot with all her other health conditions aside from the cancer. Lymphomas are considered curable though and her chances are good. I asked about what stage it is in. Lymphoma is different from other cancers in relation to what the stages mean. In localized cancers the stages refer to the level of cancer. The higher the number the worse the chances of recovery. With Lymphoma, the stage refers to the number of areas the cancer has spread in the body. They know there are two areas for sure (neck and under arms) the tests/scans will show them if its in her abdomen(stage 3) and legs(stage 4). However, chances for success are the same for stage 1 as they are for stage 4 with lymphoma. We didn’t felt like we knew a ton more after we talked with the oncologist but the plans were set in motion to define and start the treatment Rhonda will need.
Now What.
At drastic events in my life I often have a weird feeling of time freezing. The shock forms a little bubble around me and it seems like everything else just stops. Eventually it pops and you are startled that the world still exists and is moving on. When Rhonda got the news and told me I felt like we were in one of those bubbles. When the oncologist finished talking to us and left the room the bubble popped. Everyone is left with a ‘what do we do now’ feeling. It is all a little surreal, emerging from the bubble puts a slightly different hue and feeling to life and what was familiar just hours before is now a little different. Ryan and I wanted to give Roger and Rhonda time to digest and talk about everything. Ethan had a birthday dinner, Roger and Rhonda were not going to come obviously but the rest of us wanted to attend and prolong life the way they new it, before finding out, a little bit longer. Ryan and I were in separate cars so I left to get the kids. He left a few minutes later and met us at the restaurant. I don’t remember the drive or the rest of that night very much. My mind was trying to reconcile the my old and new reality. I also kept thinking I couldn’t fathom how Rhonda was feeling.
Home.
They let Rhonda go home the next day. She was stable but still weak and now had the added emotional and mental burden of knowing her condition. She did want to get home and was happy to sleep in her own bed. She has been given several blessings. Her and Roger spent the next week adjusting and getting the tests done to see what treatment will work best. They had the appointment to find out what the plan was and start it scheduled on a Friday. Right before they left for the appointment they found out it had been rescheduled to Monday. They had been in good spirits and had a positive outlook when I had seen them up to this point. I think rescheduling the appointment was a discouraging blow for them. If it were me, everyday of waiting would feel like one more day of letting the enemy cancer cells in my body entrench themselves even more. Ross and Ryan have been stopping by to visit and help almost everyday.
The New Normal
Roger called Ryan last night and he helped take her to the hospital again. She was really weak and tired and Roger was worried about her. They didn’t admit her but gave her more fluids and checked her mineral levels. Sleep would be best for her, she doesn’t sleep more than an hour or so without getting up to use the restroom. Roger has to help her so this means he doesn’t either. Roger had high blood pressure before all this happened. He admitted that he has some tightness in his chest now too. We are worried about him too. He does a great job caring for Rhonda but that is the only thing he is doing. He needs to find something to give him a break and let out his own stress and frustrations. So far he hasn’t been interested in any of our suggestions but we will try again once they have her treatment started. Ryan and I are glad they are close and can call anytime. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint and it will take lots of support and help from lots of people to get through it.
Our Kids.
The kid knew Grandma had been in the hospital. They all made her cards and sent her pictures but because of COVID they couldn’t go to the hospital to visit her. Rhonda wants them to be around and still see them, she thinks it will help her stamina and emotionally to see and interact with them. Ryan and Ross and I agree. Roger is concerned about COVID and stressed that having grandkids around might cause more stress than good. We are working on a happy solution for everyone. We had a little family meeting this week and told our kids about Grandma and what the doctors found out. Emilee is young enough that she doesn’t quite grasp the gravity of it and seems to be doing ok. Matthew asked some questions and is worried and willing to help anyway he can, he seems to be doing ok also. Allison is a little more concerning to me. She knows what cancer is and that you can die from it. She is really close to Rhonda. She didn’t say much when we told them and hasn’t gone over to see her since. I have tried to talk with her a little but I think the best thing for Allison is to give her some time to digest the news then she will be ready to support her Grandma.
We have a long road ahead of us, I hope that we can all help and do what we need to do.