Earlier today Matthew and Allison were progressively raising the volume of their voices as they yelled insulting ‘but true’ things to each other. It was started by Allison telling Matthew that cheerleading is harder than playing football. He was momentarily dumbfounded and stared at her in complete shock until he told her that was the ‘most dumb’ thing she had ever said. Of course Allison was then dumbfounded herself because she was truly shocked that Matthew didn’t totally confirm her statement. They then proceeded to yell at each other different ways that one was better than the other. One that made me chuckle in particular was when Allison was explaining that football players get to run around so the wind cools them off. Cheerleaders stay in pretty much the same spot and don’t create wind so they are hotter. It continued to progress to who gets to drink more water and then sputtered out when I started dancing around the room to music from Aladdin.
Their next argument started not to much later when Allison, who has started reading the Harry Potter books for the first time and is about half way through the series, tried to challenge Matthew who has read all the books three times and watched all the movies at least twice, on some Harry Potter trivia. It progressed much like the argument before until they noticed that Emilee and I had sat down and were getting ready to eat dinner, then they joined us.
The reason I am sharing these little tidbits of sibling interaction is because this past weekend Lauren and I went to a parenting class called ‘Simply on Purpose’. It was a good conference. The presenter was fun to listen to and had some good information to share. It included lunch too which is always nice. I have been trying to practice some of the things she said the past few days. Some of it I have already heard or know but it is nice to have a reminder and reset sometimes. I also learned how to do somethings in a better way. Some of the main points I took away from her conference in no particular order was;
- Sibling rivalry and how it is actually good for siblings (as long as it doesn’t get malicious, which is actually more rare than you think) and their development. It teaches them correct social behavior, compromising skills, learning to endure, learning to forgive, and builds a bond.
- Behavior can be broken up into inconsequential, or consequential. Most behavior actually usually falls in the inconsequential category unless you are someone that ‘loves to sweat the small stuff’.
- Behavior is mostly a product of its environment. As the parent, I control the environment of the home and can create the environment I want my children to have. Home is your kids safe place, not the ‘real world’. Be in control of yourself, teach your child, look for the good, and ignore inconsequential behaviors.
- Use your resources of time and energy to teach what they SHOULD be doing, not what they shouldn’t be doing.
- Misbehavior is usually because they are not effectively taught, or their environment is reinforcing misbehavior.
- Use rewards as an incentive, not a bribe, and when they earn their reward, focus on the effort and work they did to get the reward, not just the fun of the reward.
- Create behavior momentum by using positive interactions, (they are always doing a good job breathing if you can’t find anything else positive to say😊) praise them for behavior above what they are doing to guide them in the direction you want them to go. Creating good behavior and environment eliminates 80% of negative behavior.
- IGNORE inconsequential behaviors. This is not being lazy or negligent. It is, not reinforcing a conditioned behavior. Purposeful ignored behavior will be 81% gone in 30 seconds or less, and 94% gone in 1 minute and 45 seconds or less. If it is hard to ignore, start timing to distract yourself.
- Traps that parents fall into are; back talking (ignore then calmly state what you expect them to do IF they haven’t already done it). Threats (instead of ‘If you don’t…then’ use encouragement statement, ‘If you do…then’). DO NOT ask them a question about their behavior in the heat of the moment (they don’t know and you will never be satisfied with their answer) only talk about behavior with them when both parties are calm. The last two traps parents fall in are forcing and controlling. Both of these lead to resentment and avoidance, not long lasting relationships.
- Parenting is NOT social, it is personal, spiritual and emotional. Don’t parent based on other people’s expectations.
- Tattle-telling; have them brainstorm solutions to solve their own problem, pick one and go try it. If they come back and say it didn’t work, pick another solution they suggested and try again.
- Always offer positive attention and acknowledge their positive behavior.
So, the past few days when someone starts whining or fighting I try and remember some of these tactics. I try and change the momentum, stay calm, stay positive, and ignore the attention seeking inconsequential behaviors, however obnoxious they may be. I don’t always do it, or execute it perfectly, but I have noticed that it works when I do. When Emilee starts whining I do something else, or talk with someone else. Then as soon as she stops I make sure to give her positive attention. When the kids start fighting I will try and change the momentum by doing something silly or distracting them. In the case of the two arguments I started this post with, I didn’t interact with Matthew or Allison and within the minute and forty five seconds their fight had died out and they both had moved on, or noticed that Emilee was getting positive attention and came over to join us instead.
The kids fight fairly often but I have a little different perspective on it this week. I try to see how they are learning and practicing the things that sibling rivalry teaches them. It is almost interesting now to listen or watch them interact. I’m sure that will not always be the case, but for now it is a nice change from feeling irritation and anger at them for fighting a lot.
I thought I was ignoring behavior before but I actually wasn’t. Most of the time I would inadvertently acknowledge it and then ignore it, so I was actually reinforcing the behavior. It is a lot harder to purposefully ignore something than you think. It takes a lot more concentration then addressing the situation does.