It has been 10 years since we had Aaron. That is a long time. There are so many vivid memories I have of when I was carrying him and when I had him and when we buried him. Little moments and pictures etched in my brain. Most of the time now the memories and the emotions that came with those memories are more…hazy so they aren’t as fresh or close to the surface. Other times they are as real and raw as the day I had them. Some of them seem like random moments that I don’t know why I remember, others are more specific. It took us 6 months to a year to get pregnant with all of our kids, except Aaron. He took a month, if that. I remember telling my mom and having the realization sink in that I would soon have two kids running around when I told her. I took Matthew with me to one of my first appointments and he opened the bathroom door while I was trying to pee in a cup and was running all over while the doctor was checking me. It was a disaster. I found someone to watch him after that. I remember the look on my doctors face when she heard his heartbeat at my 16 weeks check up. She chased the ultrasound technician down in the parking lot on his was home from work to come and do an ultrasound right then. I was concerned but not thinking anything was really wrong that couldn’t be fixed. The next day they called me to come in and have a more detailed ultrasound done at the main office. It was last minute and I didn’t have someone to watch Matthew, I think Ryan must have stayed home with him so I could go. The technician was pretty rude, I remember thinking she had to squeeze me in and she was not happy about it. I was honestly expecting her to say everything looks great and kick me out the door and be done with the nagging worry I had in the back of my brain. I remember the pause when she measured his heart rate and took images of his heart. She had a quick intake of breath and her tone changed from curt to overly kind. She said she would get the findings to the doctor as quickly as she could so they could get back to me. I was walking down the hall after I left her room and she called after me and handed me some ultrasound pictures she had printed off for me to have. That is when the nagging worry in the back of my head changed to a sinking dread in the pit in my stomach. I went home and I remember telling Ryan and he gave me a hug in the kitchen and said it would be okay. We found out the next day it wasn’t. My doctor called and said that there was definitely somethings abnormal about his heart and I needed to go to the Perionatologist. There was only one in Wichita and my doctor said they would be able to get the information we needed but warned me that they were not the most compassionate doctor and staff. Ryan and I went to my appointment and as my doctor had told me they were awful. I honestly don’t put much effort into remembering specific things about that appointment. Everyone was callous and tactless and uncaring to a level that was surreal. They mentioned ‘he’ when they were talking to each other- not Ryan or I, so we found out our baby was a boy, which was exciting even though the way we found out was not how we expected. They told us there was some major problems with his heart, it was worse than anyone thought, and we could come back in a month to have them tell us their findings and answer our questions. Ryan was ready and started to cause whatever type of scene necessary to let them know that was unacceptable and we weren’t leaving until we had a full explanation of what they had found. I was in shock and couldn’t process or think straight so I just wanted to leave. My doctor called me the next day when she got their report and told us. I remember walking up our stairs to sit down on the couch when she called. That is when we found out Aaron’s heart had not formed right so it obviously couldn’t work right and our options to fix it for him were pretty slim. I remember telling people over the next few weeks and it was almost like I was telling someone else’s story. It took awhile for me to wrap my brain around it. I kept waiting for whatever was going to happen to be erased and someone to say ‘oops, we were wrong, everything is fine’. That never happened. It is hard to explain but all the emotions and stress and decisions and plans that had to be made were so intense that when I look back at it now it seems like more of a physical experience. At the time I felt like I was trying to go about life with a bowl of water around my head. Everything was blurry and muffled. Then occasionally things would clear up and I have a snap shot and a memory of that moment.
I remember deciding I wanted to pick his name out right away and I immediately knew what his name was. It wasn’t a name I had thought about before or anything, but I remember as soon as I had the thought I wanted to pick his name, Aaron, popped into my head. Ryan said he liked it and we should think about it, I didn’t think there was anything to think about. No other possibilities even came to my mind when I tried to think of them. We gave him my dads middle name and his full name is Aaron Michael Terry.
I remember my mom coming to see me and going on a walk with her. My sister came to see me and helped me feel like a normal person for a few days. I remember Ryan telling me he got a new job and we were going to move back to KC. The timing seemed ridiculously bad but actually wasn’t. Ryan went to KC during the week to work and I stayed in our house while we tried to sell it. He was staying with our friends the Guernsey’s and after about two weeks of this Liz called and told me it was silly for me to be down their alone and to come stay with them while our house sold and we were finding a new one. Living with them saved me. I didn’t have any close friends in Wichita. I felt like a project. I didn’t realize it at the time but Ryan told me later that I was pretty depressed and he knew we had to leave Wichita. Ryan got the job in KC and changed schools for the MBA he was half way through so I could be closer to people we knew and family could get to us easier.
When we got to Olathe the fog and haze lifted a little and I felt like life was more manageable. Instead of being by myself I had company during the day and had a true friendship that I hadn’t had for two years in Wichita. We went to a new Perionatologist in KC and it was about as far in the other direction as possible experience from the first doctor we saw. I think I was hoping that the original diagnosis was wrong somehow. The new doctor did more ultrasounds and went over everything with us as he did it. I felt like I had known him a long time, not just met him ten minutes ago. He was kind and compassionate while he delivered the worst news of our lives to us. Aaron was a one in a million baby with a combination of several different heart issues so there wasn’t a specific name for it. If anything could be done it would have to be a full heart transplant immediately after birth but the chances of him surviving birth were almost none. The chances of him making it full term were slim too. The bigger he got the less his heart would be able to keep up with what he needed.
At some point I realized that this was the time I was going to get with Aaron and I needed to do what I could with it. I read to him, sang to him, rocked with him, talked with him, cried, laughed and loved him the best I could. I was able to get to know him and feel his spirit while he came to earth just long enough to get his body. I know that he is my son and we agreed to this before I even came to earth.
Matthew is the only we had when we had Aaron, so he actually held him. He was just shy of two so he doesn’t remember it, but all of the kids talk about him like they know him and he is their brother even though they won’t meet him in this life. Remembering him is one of the things that brings peace to me. I want to remember him and I want our kids to remember him. When other people tell me they remember him it makes me feel grateful and happy.
So every year on his birthday we have a special family day to celebrate and remember him. We plan a day of activities together to enjoy being together and talk about what what it would be like if Aaron was with us and what he is doing in heaven. We visit his grave and put flowers on it for Fall.
