Ugg! I had the pleasure of renewing my drivers license today. I say that with as much sarcasm as possible. It is such a cliche. I prefer to imagine I have stepped onto a Parks and Rec television set and am playing a part in a ridiculous comedy about the mind numbing process of getting your drivers license renewed. It is a little less depressing and more entertaining from that perspective.
After I got tired of reading my book, doing a cross word, catching up on emails, making a meal plan for the next two weeks, then staring into space being bored, I decided to make a helpful little blog post about successfully managing the DMV while I waited.
Helpful Tips for Going to the DMV.
- Do not just wander into a DMV all willy-nilly. It is important to pick a time that tends to have the most employees working and the smallest crowds. Here are guidelines to consider when planning when to go.
- Do not go at the very beginning of the month (large crowds of planners and go-getters, or everyone that procrastinated the last month).
- Do not go at the very end of the month (large crowds of procrastinators).
- Do not go to the DMV the first hour they are open due to large crowds of ‘stop on the way to workers’. Also, DMV’s tend to have a slow starting pace and many employees are finishing their coffee, finishing conversations, setting up their work area, hanging up coats, purses, umbrellas, or meandering around looking sullen before finally taking their seat and getting to work.
- Do not go at the end of the day due to large crowds of stop on the way homers. In preparation of the end of the work day the last hour of the day, lines are closed and no more people are allowed to join the ‘waiting que’. Also at this time, half the employees begin wrapping up their day to head home and close their windows bringing the ‘waiting que’ pace from slow to almost stand still.
- Do not go over your lunch hour. If you think you can be in and out of the DMV in an hour you are sadly mistaken. Not only will you find a long line from all the other people who thought the same thing, you will also have lunches of the employees being rotated through. I am not exactly sure but I would guess that a third to half the employees are gone between the hours of 11-1. This again reduces the line to a snails pace.
- Do not go on Monday. They are not open. I assume this has something to do with employee retention, like an employee perk, since most normal businesses are open M-F, the DMV is T-F.
- Wednesdays are risky. People who have the DMV on their to do list might think it is a good time to get it done-mid week. Also, everyone that came on Monday thinking it would be open will most likely come on this day because they were to irritated to come back Tuesday.
- Fridays are also risky. People who are procrastinators will wait until this day and some employees might be ‘mentally checked out’, again, returning (or maintaining) the ‘waiting que’ to a snails pace.
- Drivers license and car tag renewals are NOT AT THE SAME LOCATION. I’m sure there is some logical reason for this like…I can’t think of any but I have been at both locations and heard several poor souls come in frustrated and on the verge of tears say they just waited in line for two hours to find out they were in the wrong place.
- If you have children, do whatever you can at all costs to find someone to watch them for you. At. All. Costs.
So to sum up, the best times to try and keep your trip to the DMV as short as possible is to arrive on Tuesday or Thursday between 8:30-9 and 1:30-2 by yourself with no kids, and nowhere to be anytime soon. No guarantees though.
2. Gather proper documentation. Most likely you will get a nice little reminder in the mail telling you it is time for renewal, or whatever reason you might need to go to the DMV. It might even have a helpful list of items to bring with you. Be wary though, somewhere the writer of this little reminder is getting a good chuckle at how unhelpful and misleading this reminder is.
- Whatever is listed on the reminder is NOT a complete list. I repeat. Whatever is on the list is NOT a complete list.
- Try and save yourself time by just bringing everything. Chances are they will ‘absolutely require’ something you didn’t bring and ‘absolutely no exceptions’ can be made, so bring it all. DMV employees are very precise rule followers-like librarians.
- These are some things to bring to help cover your bases but by no means should be considered a complete list. Current drivers license, social security card, birth certificate, utility bill with your name on it, marriage license (or divorce decree if applicable), passport, second utility bill in case the first one doesn’t qualify for some reason, and the little reminder card they sent you in the mail explaining to them why you are there (apparently looking at the expiration date on your current Driver’s License is not the preferred reason for coming to the DMV. They like you to have an ‘invitation’), and cash. Trust me, just pay cash, no cards, no checks.
3. Go to the DMV. Congratulations! You have picked a day and time, gathered your paperwork and are now ready to go to the DMV. Here are some arrival tips.
- Often there is a digital line you can get in before you even get there. That is a great start, if it is working that day. It is a high probability that the system will be down but you won’t know that until you get there and find out you haven’t been in line like you thought. No matter how prepared you think you are, clear your day and have no deadlines, appointments, kids to pick up, or any other commitments or plans for the day. Plan on being there for two to three hours minimum. Bring entertainment for you and anyone else with you for at least 4-6 hours. You will get bored of things that normally entertain you for hours quickly because you feel like you are in a time warp and time has slowed down 10 times its normal pace. You can bring food, but eat it quietly and quickly or you will have to explain to the security guard how you missed the thirty ‘No Food Allowed’ signs posted every three feet, even though you have been watching him eat his ‘lunch’ for the past hour. Other than the ‘No Food’ signs the only other posters you will see are are the ‘Become a Tissue Donor’ posters. This allows you to contemplate giving away your body parts in case of your death while you are there becoming depressed from the lack of color, noise and positive human interaction.
- When you arrive, find the ‘pre-line’. This is the line where someone is making sure you have all the necessary paperwork before you are aloud to actually get in the real line. Wait in this line for a long long long time. Try not to loose it when some schmuck comes in and thinks he can just jump in real quick and skip the line to ask one little question. Smile calmly at the person in front of you when the pre-line person leaves their position to track down the answer to the schmucks obscure question that he didn’t know, and returns ten minutes later.
- ***Special note*** To avoid the wrath of fellow DMV visitors, unless your question is “Where is the pre-line?” Get in line to ask your question.
- When you finally get to the front of the line don’t be discouraged when you are told that you do not have everything you need and will have to leave and go get something that you didn’t know you were supposed to bring then come back and get in the pre-line again. No matter what you read or where you read it, or even if you can produce the paper or website page where you found your ‘what to bring’ list, you will be told it is ‘out of date and no longer accurate’. See special note for correct exit plan.
- ***Special note*** I don’t know if it is in their training, or if it is a DMV employee personality trait or just random dumb luck but 99% of DMV employees will only offer information that is specifically asked for, nothing more, nothing less. For example when you are told you don’t have enough redundant paperwork, if you ask the pre-line employee if your social security card will work as identification confirmation and are told ‘Yes’ and then stops speaking and just looks at you, do not assume that means you don’t need anything else. Make sure to follow up with a question such as, “when I go home and get my social security card, what else might I need to get?” Continue asking this question until you are told that is everything. Repeat the entire list of documents back to the employee for verification, twice. Hopefully this will prevent you from being sent home several times.
- Go home and get what you ‘forgot’. Return to the DMV.
Hopefully on the second try you can make it past the pre-line and get to the actual line. This will depend on how well you were able to use follow up questions to make sure you really have everything. If you are successful you will get a number and get to sit in line instead of stand in line. If not repeat the above steps and try again.
4. Wait in the real line. You will get a number for your place in line. This allows you to sit instead of stand for the remainder of your time in line. Look around and find a spot that looks like a comfy place to spend the next several hours. Despite all previously mentioned ‘No Food Allowed’ signs most of the chairs will have an unknown sticky or gooey substance on it. Hopefully you have wet wipes in your purse, or you can use the handy little reminder sent to you in the mail as a barrier between you and the goo.
- Once you find your seat you might look around and see some things that get your hopes up that you won’t be there very long. You are wrong but feel free to hope. The number of desks can be deceiving, just because there are 24 employee desks does not mean they are all open. In fact based on my experience rarely if ever are more than a third of the desks open at a time. Even if you get a good estimate of how many people are actually working at the desks, it is not a guarantee that they stay working. Another deception is you will notice the cubicles are lowered for the employee and there is a raised counter for visitors. This also prevents you from seeing if someone is actually sitting at the desk and allows them to sneak away for their 15 minute hourly break. Another false indicator of your length of stay can be the people around you. If there is a digital line, every person ahead of you in the digital line will show up at the last possible second and get in front of you, people will come out of the wood work. This is the case even if the line was ‘not working’ when you tried to get in the digital line, so they just added you at the end. The point is, you will still be there for hours.
- Another false indicator is your ticket number itself. Lets say your number is R751. Shortly after you sit down they call R746. Naturally you would think that means there are five people ahead of you. You would be wrong though. The next five numbers called have a different letter like O314, T633, N548 and so on. It is several more numbers before R747 is called. Again, you might try and estimate your time left but once again you are wrong. After an hour of waiting and trying to figure out the line/number system with no success R750 is called. A few numbers later R732 makes the cut. This is the digital line jumping all over your hope of getting out of there anytime soon. Until you give up hope and succumb to spending the rest of your day at the DMV, your number will never get called. I hope you took the advice to not bring your kids. If you didn’t-good luck to you. If you did, don’t sit by the person that didn’t because it’s going to get ugly.
5. Finally! After waiting forever and having all your senses dulled by the lack of sound, color, and normal human interaction with the outside world your number is called! You have made it to the beginning of the line. You pick up your stuff and head to the desk that called your number. These next tips are critical, you are not in the clear yet.
- DMV employees can be very finicky and should be considered a flight risk at all times. They have a very strict set of ever changing rules that they will follow as if being allowed to take their next breath depends on it. Remember that they have been working in this colorless, soundless, dull room for an unknown amount of time and approach with caution. As you are walking up take in the surroundings and the demeanor of the employee as best you can. If there is the same colorlessness and lack of personality in their 5×5 space, be succinct and to the point when speaking, no small talk, have your papers ready to go and give confident but not to confident answers to questions. If there are some personal touches and a little color or flare to their cubicle (like a joke on the wall, or a colorful name tag) you can smile and appear relaxed and attempt small talk if you want.
- Never ask a question not related to what you are there for. This can irritate the employee and make the process slow way down because they have to ‘go check something’ and take a 15 minute break. Or it will send them off to find the answer because like I said, the rules are ever changing and the people on both sides of them gave a different answer to the same question. Or they will start flooding you with references to certain documents and forms and statutes and you won’t know what they are talking about anyway.
- If you are having your picture taken, when they tell you to smile be ready to hold that smile for 30 seconds straight without looking like an idiot or your picture will be horrible, and there are NO retakes. If you ask if the picture turned out the employee will always answer yes without even looking.
- When the 95 year old grandpa next to you fails the vision test seven times before finally ‘passing’ and gets his license, don’t say anything. When the person on the other side of you doesn’t speak English and the employee clearly doesn’t speak whatever language they are speaking and hands him a new drivers license anyway, don’t say anything. When the employee asks if you want a ‘Real ID’ or a ‘plain drivers license’ do not look at them like they are an idiot and say ‘Well I don’t want a fake one.’ (you do want a Real ID BTW-whoever decided to rename it from a Driver’s License to a Real ID is one funny person) AND if you are helped by an employee named Dawn and she asks if you are registered at your current address to vote, do not pause to think or you will be given a speech about taking your US Citizenship rights seriously. If you do any of those things, you will immediately be jinxed and your ‘Real ID’ will get lost in the mail and you will have to come do this whole process over again.
There are many more tips to go with the actual interaction with the employee but I’ll let you wing it and have a little fun figuring it out on your own. When you are finally done as you turn to leave you will see a stack of paper that looks like it has been stepped on, crumpled and uncrumpled 20 times, soaked in the toilet and air dried then left on the counter for 10 years collecting dust next to the exit door. On closer look you will see that it says, ‘Please rate your experience at the DMV today Survey’ at the top. There is no pen or pencil or collection box but if you want, you can take one of those papers, fill it out and wait in the pre-line to give it back.